I saw a similar challenge on here a few days ago

Thought I would give it a try on my own

Thank you Sacred AF - Ami for the inspiration

Just a small warning, that this is not going to be uplifting

I’m sharing what’s been weighing a little heavy on my heart

4:44am this morning, woke up feeling hot

Tearing off the covers to try to cool down

Guess I should get up and go to the washroom, since I am already awake

Crawl back into bed, but my mind is already racing

I think I should start writing all this down to get it out of my head

I can’t seem find the words to write anything lately

Should I just delete my Substack or should I stick around?

Maybe I’m not supposed to be writing anything

Feeling like I am on a hamster wheel

Everyday is exactly the same

Rinse, recycle, repeat

What am I even doing here?

What the fuck is this life?

Why did I even come here?

I don’t see the point in any of this

I feel like an alien in my own body

I have never been comfortable in it

Like I’m wearing some sort of costume

That’s not even a fun one, it’s just boring

Plain brown eyes and long brown hair

Do I ever even smile, without it feeling forced?

Have I ever actually been happy?

I often find myself wondering

Probably not, if I have to think that hard about it

Maybe I need to get outside and go for a walk during the day

Never mind it’s still too cold and snowing here

I feel like I am stuck in the mud, in the in between

Like the horse in The Neverending Story, that ends up drowning

Can’t seem to move forward, but also never going back to where I was before

I don’t really want to post something that is depressing

But maybe I’m not the only one who has been feeling this way

Gas prices are absolutely insane

I don’t think I have ever seen them this high in my entire life

The world outside is getting louder

But I already know this is all by design

At least I am looking forward to seeing my daughter soon

That will be really nice…

It has been a few months since I have seen her beautiful face

Why exactly did I sign up for this life again?

Everything has always been such a struggle

Relationships and money have always been an uphill battle

I am so tired of living in survival mode

No one that I know really understands me or the way that I think

I feel like a fucken ghost in my own family

Not even my old friends knew the real me

Guess that’s part of the reason I decided to cut them all off

Loved growing up in a family where nobody talks

About anything that’s actually important

Everyone just puts on a mask and pretends

That everything is just fine and dandy

But I can see through every single one of them

I can tell that no one is actually happy

I don’t even talk to either one of my sisters

Is my life ever going to get any better?

Living alone for the past 2.5 years

Gave up on dating after my last relationship blew up in my face

I have no desire to even try anymore

Maybe I’ll just end up dying alone

Are we really meant to do this life all by ourselves?

It’s starting to feel lonely, being in hermit mode

I don’t think I have ever been single this long

Maybe I should just get another dog

Then at least I would have some company

I have really been feeling like deleting my Substack account

What is the point of all of this anyways?

I used to have all of these good ideas

Now I always find myself coming up short

Little ideas trickle in here and there

But nothing that actually feels complete

Who will even want to read this?

Is the 5G fucking with me?

Maybe I just need to turn off my damn phone already

And take a long break away from all the noise

Can’t find the motivation to do anything

Like all of the joy and the happiness

Has been sucked right out of me

Like the dementors in Harry Potter

How long will I be living in isolation for?

Feels like I am living Groundhog Day

Fuck that was such a bad movie… yet here I am living it as we speak

Have I been watching too many movies to distract myself lately?

Would anyone even miss me if I was gone?

Not that I would do anything like that

But I still can’t help but wonder

Will I ever find anyone who loves me the way that I love them?

Find someone else who has a heart like mine?

Find people who actually care the same way that I do?

Is that really too much to ask for?

Maybe I’ll try to go back to sleep

Just peeked outside… another blanket of snow

Snow plow in the parking lot across the way

Hopefully I can fall back asleep

Now that I got most of my thoughts out

Praying that it will be sunny out later today

At least then my world doesn’t feel as gloomy

Grateful that my angels and guides are always watching over me

-

Thanks for reading if you stayed until the end

Much love and gratitude for you

AE xo

Image from Unspalsh

My grandma always had it hanging up in her bathroom.

Every time I went in there, I would pause to read it.

It always resonated with me on such a deep level.

Even though I never used to believe in God growing up.

Something about it just spoke to me on a soul level.

I think I have probably read it a thousand times.

Looking back on my life now…

I do believe that God was there with me,

carrying me through my darkest times.

It is so beautiful… I just wanted to share it here.

It really reminds me of my childhood.

Connecting me to my inner child.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I still do.

AE xo

Footprints in the sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;
One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before us,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
You would walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,
There was only one set of footprints.
I don’t understand why, when I needed you the most,
You would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."

Written originally by Mary Stevenson

Photo by Artem Stoliar on Unsplash

That very same day, I took it down.

But I got to reflecting afterwards.

After one of my followers had commented.

It really got me thinking...

Why had I even posted that in the first place?

Where did this even come from?

Was this the type of content that I wanted to put out into the world?

No… definitely not.

Not with everything that has been going on lately.

I want my page to be filled with love, light and encouragement.

Not because I am ignoring what has been going on in the news.

But because I already knew what was happening with Epstein several years ago.

I have already seen and felt what I needed to about all of the horrible things.

Shocked, disgusted, angry, and so heavy hearted with such a deep sadness for everyone that has ever been involved…

In this or anything similar for that matter.

At all of the lies and deception that have been going on right under our noses this whole time.

Not to mention that this has also been going on for hundreds of years from what I understand.

The rabbit holes I went down back then were so fucken deep.

So trust me when I say, that I have already been there and back several times.

I even made myself a nice little home there during the plandemic… so much that it was all consuming.

So I don’t blame anyone for feeling the very same things as I have about it.

Especially if they are just beginning to find all of these horrific things out.

But I have decided to take back my own awareness and I am consciously choosing not to live in that conspiracy timeline anymore.

I am actively choosing to stay awake and aware of absolutely everything that I am giving my time and energy to.

I do admit the day that I posted that cranky note, I got sucked back into it all over again and this was the outcome.

So, this is my little invitation to whoever finds it…

Begin to pay close attention to how you feel and act after watching or reading anything.

There is a war going on for all of our attention right now.

It’s a spiritual battle between the Light and the Dark.

A battle between Good and Evil.

Love and Fear.

What will you give into?

What will you consciously choose?

We are in a war on human consciousness.

And I refuse to feed into the fear, I will not get sucked back down the rabbit hole… as this is exactly what the system wants from all of us.

It wants to keep the entire frequency of the planet down as low as it can get.

Because whatever you consume, it will affect your frequency.

Just like it did with me briefly the other day.

Love is a much higher frequency than fear is.

The frequency you choose to tap into and in turn emit, adds to the entire collective frequency either way.

And I want to add to raising the frequency, not to lowering it.

So continue to stay awake and aware my friends, as illumination is what was needed to liberate us.

And remember that your presence in this very moment, what is going on inside of you is always the most important.

I am sure that I am praying alongside many others, that a silent revolution is now awakening within all of our hearts, as to what we the people will allow to continue… for the future of all humanity.

Hugs,

AE xo

Image from Google

Photo by Saiph Muhammad on Unsplash

Especially when you have been a perfectionist from a fairly young age

Constantly looking things over to make sure they are just right

Tweaking little things here, there and basically everywhere…

Going back to the same thing over and over again gets tiring

I wonder how much time I have actually wasted doing this?

I probably don’t even want to know to be honest

-

I still struggle with perfectionism to this very day

Where does this actually come from?

Wanting to be liked?

Wanting to fit in?

Wanting to be accepted?

Or maybe even wanting to be perceived a certain way?

-

I believe for me it goes much deeper than any of this

When I was a little girl is where it all started

Control is what I really believe it is… if we wanted to give it a name

I needed to feel some sense of control in my life

Growing up, my family didn’t talk about anything at all

I had to learn how to deal with all of my feelings and emotions by myself

I really had no one to talk to about anything

I was the oldest of my siblings

My parents seemed to be in their own little worlds

And I never really had many friends

This is where it all began

-

When I was probably around the age of ten, as I can’t quite remember…

Every time my family would leave me home all by myself

I would clean the house and make everything look perfect

It felt so good to see everything in it’s place

I could finally breathe a short sigh of relief

I didn’t do it to receive praise from my parents

It made me feel a sense of comfort, even if it was only temporary

By making everything external look nice and organized

-

All while I felt like my inner world was collapsing

The chaos constantly running through my mind

Trying to make sense of the world around me

I had no one to guide me, no one to show me the way

I was left all alone to figure everything out by myself

What a scary thing for a child to experience...

I think to myself looking back on this now

Tears beginning to stream down my face, as I write this

Heart space feeling so heavy… this tightness creeping up around my neck

I was so scared, I felt all alone, unable to use my voice

-

There has always been this deep sadness in my life this entire time

All I needed was for someone to hold my hand and support me

For someone to be there with me to hold me tight and tell me that everything was going to be alright

Now I can see that God was always there with me

But I didn’t see Him then, I couldn’t feel His light

-

So I began cleaning and organizing everything in sight

I needed to feel like my external world was safe

By everything always being in it’s proper place

All while I was actually spiraling out of control

This has been going on for as long as I can remember

Thank goodness I am finally beginning to find calm in the chaos that was my life

But I still don’t like being surrounded by messes

It actually makes me feel anxious

-

Will I ever get over being a perfectionist?

I honestly don’t know…

Maybe I can shift my perception and start to see this as an advantage?

Everything all around me is generally clean and tidy

That always makes me feel a sense of relief

Is this something that really needs to be fixed?

Or can I just accept that this is actually who I am now?

Or perhaps this was always just another invitation

To be able to accept myself as I am right now

And the way I have always been…

As perfectly imperfect <3

-

Thank you for being here and reading this vulnerable post

I truly appreciate every single one of you

Much love,

AE xo

Photo by Jorge Gardner on Unsplash

I had an uncomfortable encounter in my DM’s here on Substack and I wasn’t sure it was a real person or AI.

I have since discovered that it was most likely an AI chatbot.

Thank you to those who reached out and to share their experiences with me.

This is something I myself had not encountered before.

So I am just putting this back out there in case anyone else wanted to be informed of this, as apparently it is getting more common with the rise of AI.

This is now a letter of discernment for everyone.

Here’s what happened to me…

A fellow Substacker liked a few of my posts.

I followed their page.

No pictures of a person on the profile photo.

Only a picture of a mountain and a lake.

They sent me a DM almost right away.

Thanking me for following them and they invited me to listen to their music.

They were apparently a singer/songwriter.

Their 9 songs are on Apple Music and Spotify.

They asked if I wanted to talk.

I wasn’t busy at the moment, so I did for a short while.

I listened to a few of his songs, they were pretty good.

Now thinking it was a man I was speaking to, because it was a man’s voice singing.

I asked him how long he had been singing for?

He said for years, but he had only been putting music out for the past 4 months.

I told him his voice was really nice.

He thanked me and he wanted to me to keep listening to his songs.

He then proceeded to say ‘Tell me about yourself’.

Like this was some sort of dating platform.

I immediately felt a little uncomfortable.

My discernment had kicked in.

Feeling this tightness rising in my chest.

My body was warning me, something felt off.

I skirted around answering in my response.

He repeated ‘Tell me more about you’.

That’s when he started to sound robotic.

Like ChatGPT.

I asked him what he would like to know.

He said ‘Name… where do you live? Age’.

‘Is that really you in the photo?’

‘Married, single, kids?’

‘Are you on any other social media?’

I figured they were pretty harmless questions.

So, I answered cautiously and very vaguely.

And asked him to tell me about himself.

He responded by asking me if I had a lot of followers on my other social media platforms.

And told me that he ‘traveled around’ and proceeded to tell me that I was ‘hot’ and called me a ‘babe’.

He was hoping that I could promote his music on other social media platforms because ‘I ain’t on any other’ he said.

Then he said ‘Send me more photos of yourself’.

‘Have you listened to more of my music?’

‘Which ones? And thoughts?’

Now I was getting really uncomfortable…

I didn’t answer right away.

Then he proceeded to say ‘Answer me ….’ seemingly aggressive.

Using my first name to try to intimidate me.

Wow… seriously buddy?! I thought to myself.

You want to play this game… I don’t think so.

I decided that this was a good opportunity to use my new found voice.

I said ‘I don’t feel comfortable sharing any more pictures of myself right now.’

‘You still haven’t told me about you.’

He replied ‘Have you listened to all of my songs?’

‘And why do I make you feel uncomfortable ?!?!!’ he said.

I responded by repeating myself for a third time…

‘I have listened to all of them. You haven’t told me anything about yourself yet.’

Then he demanded that I ‘Answer’ his question above if he made me feel uncomfortable.

And he wanted to know what I thought about his other songs.

That was it. I was done.

Either this was some sort of AI bullshit or even worse… some disrespectful asshole.

Either way I was done playing the game.

So I responded ‘I’m actually just heading out for the rest of the day. It was nice chatting. Take care!’

Which in hindsight was even too kind…

‘Ohh ok then’ he said.

Like that was it?!

What the hell just happened?!

He never told me anything about himself.

Yet he wanted all this information from me.

He wanted more pictures of me??

His songs were most likely created with AI.

A few of them were actually talking about sex.

And honestly I found them to be disrespectful to women.

I went to one of his posts and he was being disrespectful to another woman in the comments.

So I decided to block his profile.

I had only been posting on here for 2 weeks when this happened.

So I am just writing this to inform others to use your discernment on this platform.

There’s a lot AI bullshit out there right now.

If something makes you feel uncomfortable listen.

This is your body speaking to you…

This is your intuition, speaking loud and clear.

You are not feeling like this for no reason.

You have the right to end anything whenever something doesn’t feel or look right.

Tune into when your body is communicating if something feels off… as it usually is.

Being informed is the first step to awareness in all situations.

I’m sorry but I don’t want to live in a fantasy world.

The world is fucked up enough as it is.

If I can tell when something is AI, I usually shut it off right away.

I want to connect with real live humans, not to robots… thank you very much.

I choose to be consciously aware of absolutely everything that I am giving my time and energy to, especially nowadays.

May we all be more discerning with everything that we are taking in… on this platform and all other online spaces.

I believe our intuition and our discernment are really being put to the test right now, so tune in and listen… it’s always speaking to you.

Thanks for reading,

AE xo

Photo by Igor Omilaev on Unsplash

I was given the best gift I have ever received in this lifetime.

The gift of giving life to another human being.

The gift of giving birth to my precious daughter.

The gift of becoming a mother.

The gift of feeling a love like I have never experienced before…

not even to this very day.

-

Even though she is all grown up now.

There is still a piece of her that will always live inside my heart.

No matter how far away she is.

She is always with me.

We are always connected.

Through time and space.

In this lifetime and all others.

-

She was with me on my brightest days.

And she guided me through my darkest.

She is my very own angel.

She is my lighthouse.

Gifted to me… directly from God.

Guiding me back to the shore.

-

When I lost my way.

She was always there.

Right by my side.

Telling me to never give up.

She has been my biggest cheerleader.

Even without words.

By her presence alone.

-

She still guides me to this very day.

When life feels hard.

She is my north star.

My very own guiding light.

My reminder that love really exists.

In a world that can feel so dark and cold.

-

I am beyond grateful for this gift.

The gift of my daughter.

The gift of being her mother.

The gift of a love, unlike any other.

This gift of a lifetime.

AE xo

Photo by Renāte Gudele on Unsplash

Finally seeing, acknowledging and expressing them feels so good to my nervous system.

Like really feeling into it… if something comes up… waves of sadness, grief, shame or anger.

Feel it all… FULLY.

Do not be afraid.

Do not stuff it back down.

They are coming up to be seen, acknowledged and released.

Cry if you need to.

Bawl your eyes out if you need to.

Scream and punch a pillow if you need to.

Really FEEL it… All of it.

Then RELEASE it.

For once and for all.

LET IT GO.

FORGIVE yourself and all others.

And thank it for showing you what you needed to see and feeling what you needed to feel but maybe didn’t have the capacity to hold it at the time that it happened.

Cleanse your energy with a nice warm salt bath, shower or smudge when you are done.

I promise, you will feel better after 💗

AE xo

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash