4:44am

A stream of thoughts

Writing down the words that pop into my mind as we go

I saw a similar challenge on here a few days ago

Thought I would give it a try on my own

Thank you Sacred AF - Ami for the inspiration

Just a small warning, that this is not going to be uplifting

I’m sharing what’s been weighing a little heavy on my heart

4:44am this morning, woke up feeling hot

Tearing off the covers to try to cool down

Guess I should get up and go to the washroom, since I am already awake

Crawl back into bed, but my mind is already racing

I think I should start writing all this down to get it out of my head

I can’t seem find the words to write anything lately

Should I just delete my Substack or should I stick around?

Maybe I’m not supposed to be writing anything

Feeling like I am on a hamster wheel

Everyday is exactly the same

Rinse, recycle, repeat

What am I even doing here?

What the fuck is this life?

Why did I even come here?

I don’t see the point in any of this

I feel like an alien in my own body

I have never been comfortable in it

Like I’m wearing some sort of costume

That’s not even a fun one, it’s just boring

Plain brown eyes and long brown hair

Do I ever even smile, without it feeling forced?

Have I ever actually been happy?

I often find myself wondering

Probably not, if I have to think that hard about it

Maybe I need to get outside and go for a walk during the day

Never mind it’s still too cold and snowing here

I feel like I am stuck in the mud, in the in between

Like the horse in The Neverending Story, that ends up drowning

Can’t seem to move forward, but also never going back to where I was before

I don’t really want to post something that is depressing

But maybe I’m not the only one who has been feeling this way

Gas prices are absolutely insane

I don’t think I have ever seen them this high in my entire life

The world outside is getting louder

But I already know this is all by design

At least I am looking forward to seeing my daughter soon

That will be really nice…

It has been a few months since I have seen her beautiful face

Why exactly did I sign up for this life again?

Everything has always been such a struggle

Relationships and money have always been an uphill battle

I am so tired of living in survival mode

No one that I know really understands me or the way that I think

I feel like a fucken ghost in my own family

Not even my old friends knew the real me

Guess that’s part of the reason I decided to cut them all off

Loved growing up in a family where nobody talks

About anything that’s actually important

Everyone just puts on a mask and pretends

That everything is just fine and dandy

But I can see through every single one of them

I can tell that no one is actually happy

I don’t even talk to either one of my sisters

Is my life ever going to get any better?

Living alone for the past 2.5 years

Gave up on dating after my last relationship blew up in my face

I have no desire to even try anymore

Maybe I’ll just end up dying alone

Are we really meant to do this life all by ourselves?

It’s starting to feel lonely, being in hermit mode

I don’t think I have ever been single this long

Maybe I should just get another dog

Then at least I would have some company

I have really been feeling like deleting my Substack account

What is the point of all of this anyways?

I used to have all of these good ideas

Now I always find myself coming up short

Little ideas trickle in here and there

But nothing that actually feels complete

Who will even want to read this?

Is the 5G fucking with me?

Maybe I just need to turn off my damn phone already

And take a long break away from all the noise

Can’t find the motivation to do anything

Like all of the joy and the happiness

Has been sucked right out of me

Like the dementors in Harry Potter

How long will I be living in isolation for?

Feels like I am living Groundhog Day

Fuck that was such a bad movie… yet here I am living it as we speak

Have I been watching too many movies to distract myself lately?

Would anyone even miss me if I was gone?

Not that I would do anything like that

But I still can’t help but wonder

Will I ever find anyone who loves me the way that I love them?

Find someone else who has a heart like mine?

Find people who actually care the same way that I do?

Is that really too much to ask for?

Maybe I’ll try to go back to sleep

Just peeked outside… another blanket of snow

Snow plow in the parking lot across the way

Hopefully I can fall back asleep

Now that I got most of my thoughts out

Praying that it will be sunny out later today

At least then my world doesn’t feel as gloomy

Grateful that my angels and guides are always watching over me

-

Thanks for reading if you stayed until the end

Much love and gratitude for you

AE xo

Image from Unspalsh